Decisions

so in life we all make choices whether these are things we are proud of or things we just dont want the world to know. any one who says they havent made any bad decisions in their life would be lying whether they are 9 or 99 we all make bad decisions from time to time. so i hold my hands up and say i make plenty of shit decisions ranging from getting involved with the wrong crowd at school to dating dick heads and forgiving them even though they treat you like nothing more than dirt on the bottom of their shoe.
if you asked anyone in my family what i was like you would probably get more or less the same reply : naughty as a child, a pain, strong, determined, observant. i want to go back to strong, strength! what is strength though? what is the defining line between someone strong and someone weak? to me strength is about go to hell and back but remembering it will all get better. what may seem bad now, will be a funny story in a few months maybe years! strength is someone who is there for others when they are at their worst, someone who helps people in their time of need. wearing the label strong is a privilege but also a nightmare, when i have a rough day and want to break down in tears i feel i cant because i am the strong one, not the weak one. when i have a argument with my friends or boyfriend who can i turn to, to be strong for me?
so here is it one of my main problems as such, i met a guy, he live about 5 or 6 hours away by car then possibly 4 hours by train, so we have been web camming and talking on msn! i fell head over heels for him and then one day he got a girlfriend which was like someone had shot me in the heart, i cried and cried, i mean why? he wasnt my boyfriend? no one had died? i was well and living? but still it hurt me. then after about a month or two they split up and we started talking again, he told me he really liked me and that he wanted us both to be eachothers 'first time' and all my feelings came back the ones that i had tried to push away came flooding back into my mind. he made me feel special, loved! but once again we werent dating and had no committment to each other so why was i willing to give him something so precious to me? he asked me to do things on web cam like take my top off and i did at first just my top so i mean its no big deal right i still had my  bra on, but then it turned into take your bra off and the stupid thing was i was, am so blinded by him that i did it. i flat out said no to doing anything more and at this point we still hadnt, havent met in person! i know with all my heart he is using me and everytime he calls me gorgeous or says he likes me its all a lie but i cant take myself away from him. when we arent talking i wish we are but its not going to happen he will never commit to me! my friends knew a little about him and i didnt want to seem so naive so i foolishly said we were     dating and that we had met (LIES) just to seem less needy and pathetic! when i am with him i try to act cool and as though he doesnt mean nearlly as much to me as he really does! i know that i should leave while i still have some of my dignity (not much but some) left. but i cant and please dont think i am stupid but i really think i do love him! why cant i just walk away?